50 Ways to Annoy the Varia
by juneamber
Summary: Ever wondered the results of the actions people say would "irritate" our dear and wonderful Varia? Well, wonder no more! Enjoy as our entertaining assassination squad are slowly tortured! Based on Lightmare21095's original work. Rated for strong language. Please R


**A/N: **For those of you who have read Tangled: Varia Style- DO NOT WORRY, I AM STILL WORKING ON IT. But I have an extreme case of writer's block, and I'm hoping writing something else for a while might help it clear up. Even if the something else isn't my best work :/ All the same, please enjoy :)

* * *

June: Ossu, minna-san! It is I, the crazy child! And yes, I am on a rampage! At this moment in time, I am throwing myself whole-heartedly into my very own fanfic! Woohoo! *applause*

Flan: Ara? No, Amber-san. You are throwing yourself into hell.

June: Or is it you lot I'm throwing into hell, I wonder?

Flan: Hm... Could be. *turns to readers* Anyway, for all you readers out there; do not, I repeat, do not do this. You have to be extremely sadistic, masochistic or suicidal to do what this ugly, dwarf-like half-wit-

June: *throws encyclopaedia at him* Enjoy!

Ryohei: KYOKUGEN!

June: YOU! GET OUT! THIS IS VARIA-SPACE ONLY! IF I WANT YOU, I'LL DRAG YOU HERE!

Flan: Ah, the short tempered shorty snapped.

Ryohei: Extremely disappointed!

June: *throws onions at them*

**WARNING:** This is either the 10YL or 5YL or somewhere-in-between version of the Varia- whenever Flan joins and actually lives with them (because he's funnier than Mammon, I'm afraid, but Mammon didn't die, so he's still around too)

* * *

**Record 1- First Suicide method**

_Tell Xanxus you feel sorry for him- he got his butt kicked by a middle school brat. Tell him every day- it'll get to him eventually...RECORD_

* * *

_Wednesday_

A chocolate-coloured, curly-haired young woman got up sleepily from her bed. It was well past noon and it was definitely the time of day that she knew the Varia boss would be awake. The thought brought a sparkle to her dark brown, almond-shaped eyes as she stared at her sleep-acquired afro in the mirror. It had taken her a whole month, but at last, she had proved herself to be harmless to the innocent assassins she lived with. With a Cheshire cat-like grin, she skipped out of her temporary bedroom and into the halls of the Varia's headquarters and home. She was going to make _sure_ it was a fun day today.

* * *

"Squalo~!"

"HAH?"

"What's for breakfast~?"

"FUCKING BRAT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?!"

"Yes. It is three hours, twenty seven minutes, five seconds and nine hundred and eighty two milliseconds as of... _now_ past noon."

Squalo blinked. The girl stared at him with a sweet smile on her face.

"VOI! WHAT'S WITH THE SCRUPULOUSNESS?"

"Eh? Nii-san, you know a long word?"

A vein clearly appeared on Squalo's head.

"VOI! I'M NOT STUPID, YOU SNOTTY BRAT!"

He moved forward threateningly, armed with his sword and ready to make anything into sushi.

"Ah, ah, ah! I have protection from the ninth!"

"HMPH. YOU CAN'T USE THAT FOREVER!"

"I can."

"YOU CAN'T."

"Can."

"CAN'T."

"Can!"

"CAN'T!"

"Can!"

"CA-"

"A~ra! What's wrong, children~? You shouldn't fight~!"

The girl turned to Lussuria and used him to her advantage before shark-man could think twice.

"Lussuria~! I'm hungry~!"

"Ah, you should have said so, cupcake~! There's still some amatriciana in the pot from lunch~"

"Thank you, Luss-nee-chan!"

"Anything for my little sister~!"

"VOI! IDIOT, DON'T BABY HER! AND SHE'S NOT YOUR FUCKING FAMILY!"

"Ah~ Denial of your own family isn't a good thing, Squ-chan~"

"WHO THE FUCK IS DENYING ANYTHING? HA?!"

After a moment, Squalo suddenly remembered something and yelled out after her.

"AND DON'T CALL ME NII-SAN! I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING BROTHER!"

But the girl was far past the point where he could skewer her.

* * *

_In the dining room..._

The newest troublemaker sat down right next to Xanxus at the dining table. Varia's boss himself had only woken up a little while ago, and of course had come straight down for food. Until this point in time, he had entirely ignored her existence.

"Ne, ne, Xan-chan~"

_Twitch._ From this kid, that was a first.

"You have my sympathy~"

_Twitch_.

"It must be so hard to live with such a reputation~"

Oh. Maybe not so bad after all.

"After all, not many men..."

_Where is she going with this?_

"...not many men lose to middle school kids. Ne~?"

_CRASH!_

The entirety of the wall that was behind the girl was no longer what anyone would call a wall. But the girl was already at the other side of the dining hall, near the door. There, she stopped, turned on her heel and grinned back at the irate man whose scars had spread across his face. His eyes narrowed at her before he fired once more.

"FUCKING TRASH! DIE!"

* * *

_Thursday_

"Xanxus~!"

Said Varia boss didn't move an inch from his sleeping position on the couch.

"Xan-chan~!"

_Twitch. _But still no movement.

"Are pretending to be asleep, my sweet little bunny cakes~?"

Angry red eyes snapped open and glared at the girl standing behind the opposite couch. She smiled and winked sexily. He grunted in response and closed his eyes again.

"Ya see? That ignorance of yours is the reason you lost..."

A warning snarl was heard.

"...to a _middle school brat_."

For the second time in a week, another wall of the Varia mansion was burnt to a crisp.

* * *

_Friday_

"Hey, Xan-chan-"

The girl was pulled out of the way of an oncoming fireball before she so much as had the chance to begin.

"VOOOOOOI! KUSO-BOSSU! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?! THIS BRAT HAS THE PROTECTION OF THE NINTH! DO YOU KNOW WHAT'LL HAPPEN IF YOU KILL HER?!"

The girl huffed angrily at the way she had been man-handled.

"Yeah! You didn't even give the chance to say hi!" She pouted.

There was no reaction from the man in question. Soon enough, a growl rumbled through the room.

"_If you scum don't get out of my fucking sight, I'll kill you._"

The girl was immediately thrown over the white haired man's shoulder like a sack of potatoes and brusquely carried out of the room, despite her protests.

"Ushishishi, that looked interesting~ what did the peasant do~?"

"Oh, nothing much. But- hey! HEY! PUT ME DOWN! I'M NOT A SACK!"

"VOOOOOOI! I'LL CHOP YOU INTO SUSHI!"

"SUSHI ISN'T CHOPPED! IT'S SLICED!"

"SHADDAP! WHO WAS THE IDIOT THAT ALMOST GOT KILLED?"

"WHO'S THE IDIOT WHO HAS A JOB THAT COULD GET HIM ALMOST KILLED ALL THE TIME?"

"VOOOOI! FUCK YOU, BITCH! I'M A PRO! WHAT ARE YOU?! BRAT!"

"FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THAT WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME I'VE SURVIVED THAT! SO THAT MAKES ME A PRO!"

"WRONG! YOU'RE NOT A PRO! YOU'RE HALF-WIT FOR DOING IT A SECOND TIME!"

"IT WAS THE THIRD TIME! WHICH _DOES_ MAKE ME A PRO!"

"THEN YOU'RE A HALVED-HALF-WIT FOR A THIRD-"

"Anyway-" Hell, she wasn't gonna win a yelling contest with this guy. "-what would happen if Xanxus did kill me?"

"Ushishi, whatever is left would be dissected then buried, of course~"

She wrinkled her nose in distaste. Apparently the creepy, fake one was still following them.

"Not that, I mean what would happen to you guys?"

Both the assassins stopped and looked at each other. The swordsman threw her down.

"Does the peasant really want to know~?"

She nodded her head vigorously.

"Really~?"

"Yes!"

"Are you sure~?"

"YES! I want to know!"

"Are you really-"

"VOOOOOOI! CUT THE CRAP, KUSO-OUJI!"

He crouched down next to her, and leaned in close. Then, for the first time ever, Squalo lowered his voice.

"The high quality meat stock gets cut off."

"WHAT?! I DIE AND THAT'S ALL THAT FUCKING HAPPENS?! WHAT THE HELL!"

"VOOOOOOOOOOIIII! DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE MEAT LOSS! ARE YOU STUPID?!"

"NO, I'M NOT STUPID! WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?!"

"Ushishishi, the boss flips out more often~"

The girl stared blankly at the grinning prince and the angry captain.

"Oh."

* * *

June: OWARI! The first one, anyway. SO! How bad was it? I'm honestly not too confident when it comes to writing humour, so- *knives fly past*

Bel: Oi! The prince was called creepy and fake. What kind of author are you?

Flan: A very precise one, ne? *knives fly into frog hat* Ow.

June: Ok... Maybe I did throw myself into hell. Please review and let me know if you likey or not! If it's not that good, then I'll probably stop writing it because I really don't feel like I'm particularly great at funny stuff, thought I will continue to try. Gambarimasu! And thanks for reading so far!

**A/N: **Ok, I'm super tired, so I'ma go night night.

Ja ne~


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